Thursday, October 10, 2013

Why Wonderland?

Have you ever felt as if your world were spinning out of control? That's where I'm at right now. I fell down the rabbit hole and Wonderland isn't looking too wonderful.

I spent several months of my life rooming with my best friend in our college dorm room. She was a huge Alice in Wonderland fan and had many items that represented the movie. I spent several months of my life falling asleep to and waking up to a poster of Alice watching a fluffy white cloud shaped like a rabbit float by.

"I can't explain myself because I'm not myself, you see?" -Alice

It was during this time that my life started to fall apart. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last time, but it was rough nonetheless. I absolutely lost myself in the chaos.  I was drowning in the stress of nursing school and planning for my wedding, then I started to get very sick. I'll elaborate more later, but after a month of guesswork from emergency room doctors I was finally hospitalized to have my gallbladder removed.  It took longer for me to heal then it should have and by the time it was all said and done, I had missed too much school to continue on with the semester.

Basically a death sentence to a nursing student.

What made it worse was that during this already straining time, my husband (then fiance) lost his job. I had to move in with him after ending my semester early and was dependent on him. We were living in a very, very small town, especially for a college town, at the time. He couldn't find a job. Months passed without any signs of hope.

The time for our wedding approached, and we went through with it despite the fact that we were as broke as we can be. It was the most frugal wedding I have ever witnessed, but it was also the most beautiful. Like my surgery story, I'm planning on posting more about that at a later date.  After returning back to town, nothing changed in the job hunt. We barely had enough money for rent, bills, and food so the gas and books for returning to school was out of the question.

My dreams were put on hold.

We bowed our heads in defeat and have moved in with his parents. Their functionality as a family is radically different than anything else I've ever experienced. I feel so lost and confused now. My entire life has been dedicated to school; dedicated to becoming a nurse. Now I'm playing the role of housekeeper to a family of five.

What happened? Where did this life come from?

Talk about being blindsided...

I can't explain myself because I've lost who I truly am in all of this.  

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